Nine stages of love. And what is yours?
A stone in the garden of all the women of the planet suddenly flew in from the specialists of the University of Texas. Scientists have found that the monogamy of the weaker sex is a myth. According to a study, after every five years of relationship, women begin to feel tired of their partner. As a result, there is a desire to change him and try something new. Horror! For comments, we turned to our permanent expert, a practicing psychologist-consultant Tatiana Ogneva-Salvoni.
- First, it does not say what specific scientists decided it, how the research was conducted, and so on. This result is similar to an allegation like "love lives for three years" and the like. It is possible that this is just a term paper by students at the University of Texas, because it is impossible to state a priori. In addition, in big psychology, relationship cycles have long been known, and there is no point in reinventing the wheel.First, everything is individual. Since we are different and the rate of excitation and inhibition of the nerve centers is different for everyone, the ways of reacting and the speed of decision making and the psychological dynamics as a whole are also different. It was impossible to tackle all women under one comb - they say that after five years she was tired of love - it is impossible. Secondly, in general, if we speak more specifically about the years, certain average data are known. The first three years in the relationship are more illusions, and people gradually recognize each other, after three years there is a crisis when the spouses see each other completely without rose-colored glasses and decide (or do not accept) to be with this person against all odds, but true love when people consider themselves relatives, comes after about eight years of marriage. However, the numbers in psychology is a convention necessary for a reference point. Famous family psychologist Karl Whitaker has long identified nine stages of married life, separately stipulating that someone may be stuck for a long time on one, and others may slip through or roll back. By the years, these stages are not tied. Here they are brief.
Comes right after the wedding.You think you signed with only one person in the registry office, and it turns out that you have a bunch of other people you didn’t choose. If the newlyweds live separately, the relationship with each other's parents line up quickly. Especially if everyone is friendly. Conflicts and joint life with parents greatly prolong this stage. She can drag on for years in a hidden form, hindering the development of spouse relations. In order to pass it quickly, you need to establish the necessary distance with other relatives. At this stage, the construction of the boundaries of the new family.
This is the stage when the spouses unconsciously look for an impassive observer for their relationship. This is a kind of arbiter in family disputes. Sometimes the parent of one of the spouses tries to take this place. Why relations fail in the stage of "Triangles". More often friends or neighbors are “tried” to this place. In particularly secretive spouses, they may even become a pet, which does not express its opinion, but creates the illusion of observation. This is such a little anecdotal reception: “Cat, did you hear what she said?” - “No, cat, you listen to this clever man! See, the cat does not approve of you. "The behavior of the cat and even its presence in the room at the moment is not important in general. But any couple needs a good observer, not a cat, not a dog, not a mother-in-law and not a potential lover (mistress), then the relationship deepens even more and acquires a different quality. Well, if it is a psychologist or a priest.
This is the stage of mature relationships. If the spouses pass through it, their marriage can be called a reference. Here is the equalization of spouses in the rights and obligations. As a rule, everyone comes to marriage with his family model: who is in charge here, who should do the dishes, who is earning and who is to spend. From these ideas the balance of power is formed. As a result, one performs the role of “parent”, and the other - “child”. And here begins the showdown, but, in fact, the spouses are trying to become a partner family. At this stage it is impossible to make sacrifices and compromises with your conscience. Not everyone succeeds in this, and then the stage goes into a hidden form and sometimes breaks out into quarrels over trifles. It is easy to recognize her: one of the spouses is constantly waiting for the second to change drastically.
At this stage, the husband and wife begin to perceive each other as an extension of themselves. “I” changes to “we”. At the end of the stage, everything in the house becomes “ours.” This is a good, positive stage. It is rarely accompanied by quarrels. Rather, it needs some positive moments: romantic-family trips for holidays, global acquisitions, etc. The only problem is that people often rush this stage. And this may give rise to property disputes in the future. Unity comes gradually. And both should be ready for it. And if one still divides things in the house into “mine” and “aliens”, and the other has already switched to “our all”, then conflicts arise. This is a subtle point, you should consider it.
"I and we"
An interesting stage in which spouses begin to trust each other, while moving away a little. At this stage, they discover something new in each other and in themselves. And in order to study this new, they temporarily again become their own separate “I”, and things “my”. These “I's” can stay separate for a long time, and when they meet again they merge into a joint “we”. Of course, this stage does not go smoothly. There is a place for anxiety and for jealousy. And even for envy.Spouses in their desire for freedom can go very far. But neither the one nor the other is not going to divorce. The beginning of this stage can provoke the appearance of a child. Each of the spouses at this moment begins to realize himself in a new role, which contributes to strengthening the “I” of each of them. By the way, quarrels at this stage often act healthily for relationships.
"Love outside sex"
This is an amazing stage in which a husband and wife feel love and tenderness for each other, regardless of how long sex has been and how a partner in everyday life looks like: even if he is wearing old sweatshirts, in silks or hair curlers. It is impossible to depict it, they come to it through the difficulties experienced, withdrawals and returns. At this stage, the husband and wife do not try to change each other. This is called quiet family happiness, and it is very expensive. This stage needs to be cherished. Because right now it seems that it will always be like this. But this is a dangerous illusion, you can not relax. It should be added to the relationship of the game and raisins, it will extend it.
The stage is very complicated. And it may end differently. But the main thing is that on it the spouses discover everyone for themselves at the same time both the joy and the pain of a “psychological divorce”.This is when the formal gap has not yet reached, but everyone already lives his own life. At this stage, they understand how valuable they are to each other. Divorce can be real. Therefore, Whitaker calls this stage “a dangerous dialectical dance of two holistic personalities” in which spouses have grown after many years of life. But if they decide to stay together, then nothing can separate them.
This is a functional stage. The family creates around them a team of useful people. She must have her people everywhere for any occasion. Thus, it is enhanced, becoming more flexible. During this period, the family actively strengthens its family ties for the same reason. The right team reinforces the sense of family security and the relationship of the couple.
Relationships, like children, are also growing. At this stage, the family becomes an adult. And for this you need to go through the symbolic ritual of "separation from parents." First, the couple again approaching their parents. And in communication, they recognize themselves as an independent family. They form new relationships. Not child-parent, and the relationship of two different families.It is important that parents are allowed to separate from them for real. And they also joined in the restructuring of relations. This stage is a bit like “Triangles”, but now the spouses are already one whole. This is a difficult stage, like any transitional period. It is necessary to show tact in relation to parents and explain all the "misunderstandings" immediately.
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